Surrendering to fear

 What I fear? Was also the thing I had to surrender myself to. I still struggle with many fears but over the years I learn to try to embrace the challenge even when it has broken my heart, changed my dreams and lost friends and family from those choices. 

 It is easy to understand Fear like public speaking, but there is a whole level of fear of knowing you were going to be challenged by those you look up to for a choice your about to make, but know it's the right choice. 

For me it was hard to think there could ever be a clean slate and forgiving doesn't ruin the lessen learned by the experience. Learning the value of darkness and the pain of the light. Learning to connect not only of good moments but by being a safe spot for us the rest our Broken heart on others who also just need sanctuary without pressure to move forward, making amends, or even needing to act like it's the last time we will risk it all on a losing game. 

We stand only in a moment of time. We need lifelines, and sometime unaware we become a lifeline for others. Sustaining others can become too much, and sometimes not letting go to get back on our own steady ground can lead us into its own nightmare. I always struggled with feeling like I had to be always moving in a way to be able to show "I'm not lazy, precarious or overly naive... (point to examples)" and expect it is as simple as that to prove I had worth. 

Now as I been getting older, I often let the younger ones around me to take their time to actually live the life they have. Things will be easily seen in months or years in the future of all the worth those experiences had. Setting things with ourselves getting a bit more stressful as we get older. We can flip from being everything everyone admires to deciding to bail on everything and develop a Devil may care mindset. Taking time to actually live our lives, even if it's not always how we think it should be, gives us more exposure to letting those who matter to discover our souls and not just fruits of the flesh. 

Sometimes we need to realize self discovery to truly know our own hearts, and really discover the person we truly want to become is just as valuable as money in the bank.  It's those memories that make us appreciate the gray hairs as they show, it's the miracles of random strangers becoming our dearest friends. It's the unplanned struggles we survived that helps us give ourselves credit for our own will to survive and thrive. It is thinking of all the stupid stunts that may make our bones ache but makes us so grateful to have those unexpected turn of events that showed us the hidden treasures of our spirit to explore. 

I still often feel like a youngster stepping away to do something on my own with areas that I feel so unprepared for. Choosing to see beyond the blinders of right or wrong. To choose trying to support myself with mercy and surrender to explore a part of my own psyche that I am unfamiliar with or grown distant from. 

Stepping into the tangled web of traumas, memories, loss and broken promise to find the lessons, the gifts and the benefits of surviving it... still can give me butterflies, and wanting to find excuses to turn away.  Knowing that leaving things static to rot and seep poison into the undercurrents of my consciousness is a pattern I have to make sure I keep aware of and clean my own mind, heart and soul of that which no longer nourishes and inspires me. Sometimes I know there is no one else who is a greater threat to my sanity and potential than my self and my impatience to just getting it done and forget about it. 

Song of the day: Surrender by Shelley Morningsong