Ripples of sands

 In a million lifetimes, I never saw my life going in this direction. I am recovering quickly enough and learning my place in this situation. I been numb in most aspects but it's early in the morning when I wake up and don't have my pets or get to see my family which is the hardest time. 

I was looking at the rain we had the other day, I am looking feeling like I was just nothing more than a life of a leaf. Extension of a tree that thinks not twice as they shed a leaf when it will nolonger benefit the needs of the main tree. It's nothing our society sees as something to pile up and throw away or pile into a spot to be left to rot and hope over the winter it'll become something to be build into the soil. A place unseen and forgotten by most when they see the new lawn, or bushes or whatever was built to be the image beyond the soil of rotting leaves and worms that disappear beyond the view. 

I know partly it's just I'm so confused on how quickly things went from just me worrying of school and getting my chores done to trying to figure out how to keep myself safe and the person here happy enough. 

Finger paint of sand and glass

 I could barely move. My body looking as if it's just one massive bruise. I was only able to sip on chicken broth. My heart feels as destroyed as my innocent.  I been only going through my mind asking myself what could to have deserved this. How to I been nothing more of value for my family. How could I have shamed them when I was just trying to help. 

Where could I have misguided my own worth so badly. Maybe I was the mistake my brother claimed I was and there really is nothing good about me or my life.  Maybe this was God's way to let the world forget I ever existed and stop me from ever being where I could ruin good peoples lives. 

Maybe 11 years is all I'm suppose to see. Nothing I do was good enough to save my father from his drug addiction, from getting my brother seeing I was trying to do my best or my mom seeing I did my best to stay out if the way and require nothing of her or the family. 

Maybe it's wrong right now, what I miss most is my animals. My cats and goats. Sitting under the Reed grass as it blocks the wind, building my little villages with weaving mats for roofs and doorways, making umbrellas for near by ant hills. Just the quiet of the outdoors, no voices but birds and hooves clanking on broken sandstone rocks. Leaving out my room and night and curling up with the other little kids of the goats and listening to crickets, distant owls, and the occasional shrill of the nighthawk. Alone in this room and that's what I miss most. Those are the part of my life gone that feels like it's dragging jagged broken glass sliding across my heart and my future. 

My life... rewind.

 

I was born in Arizona to a Father who was an electrical Technician who worked in the mines. He was ex-army, from a broken family and had an abusive mother. He had been hurt and received a severe spinal injury only a few months before I was born. My mother was a librarian and came from a quiet family. She had 2 sisters and 1 mother. I had an older brother who was 8 years and 5 months my elder. My father is Roman Catholic, and my mother is southern baptist and I grew up with an array of religions and beliefs from natives to immigrants to those who didn't really have much of any belief. 

I am 11 years old and away from home now. I write because I have nothing else to do right now. I miss my animals more than anything. We had goats, sheep, dogs and cats. I don't know where I belong or if maybe my life itself was just a mistake from the beginning. No on is here who cares of my past or future. I don't know how things went from a fairly quiet home to this moment in time. It less than a 1 week period everything I had is gone and everything I planned for my own life, or even my own tomorrow has gone up into vapors to dissolve into the void of space and time.