Too dead to be killed

 There is always good days and bad days. I know this. I also know that I have a pretty strong vindictive side after my kindness and vulnerability has been tested too many times. It's not always (or even usually) planned when it comes outs. But depending on my state of mind, it can be relentless if I see any traits from the person who's activities helped break that trust and safety in the relationship we had. 

 Despite it all, I am still usually pretty good about not redirecting to others, but over time it has made me be a bit more easily triggered and a little more aware of common traits in some personalities when they interact with me. 

 There are times no matter how much I try to be open and honest, it's never a good time and then when time keeps being put off it triggers often at a rough time, especially with events in the past where I was silenced and unable to provide my side of the experience and judged by the familiarity from others... I can not say this doesn't happen to me as well but I try very hard to take a deep breath and ask for their side and try to listening openly. I'm not perfect on it but I do try to improve on it. 

This isn't just referring to romantic relationships.  This could be any longer standing relationship from co-workers to friends, from neighbors to lovers. 

Sometimes it sucks that my memories and recall is so tied to my emotions compared to logic of just recalling information and leaving the rest behind. 

Surrendering to fear

 What I fear? Was also the thing I had to surrender myself to. I still struggle with many fears but over the years I learn to try to embrace the challenge even when it has broken my heart, changed my dreams and lost friends and family from those choices. 

 It is easy to understand Fear like public speaking, but there is a whole level of fear of knowing you were going to be challenged by those you look up to for a choice your about to make, but know it's the right choice. 

For me it was hard to think there could ever be a clean slate and forgiving doesn't ruin the lessen learned by the experience. Learning the value of darkness and the pain of the light. Learning to connect not only of good moments but by being a safe spot for us the rest our Broken heart on others who also just need sanctuary without pressure to move forward, making amends, or even needing to act like it's the last time we will risk it all on a losing game. 

We stand only in a moment of time. We need lifelines, and sometime unaware we become a lifeline for others. Sustaining others can become too much, and sometimes not letting go to get back on our own steady ground can lead us into its own nightmare. I always struggled with feeling like I had to be always moving in a way to be able to show "I'm not lazy, precarious or overly naive... (point to examples)" and expect it is as simple as that to prove I had worth. 

Now as I been getting older, I often let the younger ones around me to take their time to actually live the life they have. Things will be easily seen in months or years in the future of all the worth those experiences had. Setting things with ourselves getting a bit more stressful as we get older. We can flip from being everything everyone admires to deciding to bail on everything and develop a Devil may care mindset. Taking time to actually live our lives, even if it's not always how we think it should be, gives us more exposure to letting those who matter to discover our souls and not just fruits of the flesh. 

Sometimes we need to realize self discovery to truly know our own hearts, and really discover the person we truly want to become is just as valuable as money in the bank.  It's those memories that make us appreciate the gray hairs as they show, it's the miracles of random strangers becoming our dearest friends. It's the unplanned struggles we survived that helps us give ourselves credit for our own will to survive and thrive. It is thinking of all the stupid stunts that may make our bones ache but makes us so grateful to have those unexpected turn of events that showed us the hidden treasures of our spirit to explore. 

I still often feel like a youngster stepping away to do something on my own with areas that I feel so unprepared for. Choosing to see beyond the blinders of right or wrong. To choose trying to support myself with mercy and surrender to explore a part of my own psyche that I am unfamiliar with or grown distant from. 

Stepping into the tangled web of traumas, memories, loss and broken promise to find the lessons, the gifts and the benefits of surviving it... still can give me butterflies, and wanting to find excuses to turn away.  Knowing that leaving things static to rot and seep poison into the undercurrents of my consciousness is a pattern I have to make sure I keep aware of and clean my own mind, heart and soul of that which no longer nourishes and inspires me. Sometimes I know there is no one else who is a greater threat to my sanity and potential than my self and my impatience to just getting it done and forget about it. 

Song of the day: Surrender by Shelley Morningsong

Noise of the bloodflow

 Every one has their own truth. This is based on cultural, interpersonal and professional development of each of us. The Truth is very subjective in so many aspects. There is sayings you will always be a villain in someone's else eyes, and the road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

Politics loves for fan the flames for those who have alternative experiences from the masses and can easily demonize people whose life make us uncomfortable or so different of a view point when we think our view is valid and more correct if it is supported by the masses.

Is there a possibility of peace in a town? In a country? In the world? Honestly I doubt peace is what most people would fully enjoy. We all have an Ego, we all get jealous, bitter, and feel sometimes our efforts, talents or abilities are not given its fair worth. I once was at a modern wig conference and they said something (as an American I can agree with) it less then 80% percent can not find a neutral agreeable ground. It's something that needs to be out of society politics and left to the the individual rights. 

Of that conference (online was over 1100 people) 80% easily agreed Rape and violent crimes deserved justice.  agreed Marijuana should be allowed with the same guidelines as Cigarette or Dip. 80% agreed that local schools should be funded to make sure as an nation all children have same availability to resources, however,  each school could develop the curriculum and events that supported the community they live in. There was almost 100 percent who agreed to Emergency funding to rebuild and reestablish towns affected by natural disaster and not left lingering with only a few months of supplies and personnel coming in to help. Another 100 was to agree social security should be based on the average living amount and medical for seniors should be covered. 

Now things that couldn't even get 50% to agree (most of these questions they had 5 possible selections for) was Birth control access, Abortion, Subsidiary for new dependents while on public resources, where drugs offenses stand with legal/prison time, Animal and farming ordinances, Funds towards art and music programs, public transportation, medical payers, Marriage laws, rights for step parents, and most other topics including funding of charter, private and religious schools. 

So as a nation there are a few things we all easily agree on, but when it comes to us as individuals and responsibilities of our own things get very messy, very quickly. Federal law is usually the most liberal and states and counties can make laws equal or more strict but very limited in more liberal then federal law in general. 

Are we a Christian country? Sure, but we have the liberty that other views are allowed, and Christianity doesn't determine the value of one's investment into our country. We have many blended religions and cultures that truly if we can be at peace with letting other really control themselves and us have our own accountability to our actions and reactions it would be much easier to celebrate and share the good in our own lives with others who are interested. This also gives us the chance to still maintain a child like curiosity towards the words by being open to the difference of feelings, thinking and practices without feeling it requires us to change or to change the others who are different. 

There is no perfect person. There is no culture,  religion or education that really puts others before us or above us. Yes, it can seem like it but it also gives us the opportunity to find new ways to examine, communicate and display our own worth and value on our own terms. Just this doesn't make it wrong or right for anyone else but ourselves. 

The darkness around us and within ourselves can be lessen by just changing our own way to interact.  We can just stop and sit until someone find the way in and help us, We can learn to feel and explore the darkness and gather information,  we can pick a direct and keep moving slowly against the wall until we find light, or we can sing, make noise, pray and give an increased chance of being found or gain the strength to go into the unknown and change our circumstances hopefully for the better but a change nonetheless to open new opportunities and resources we may have never had access to before.

A victim of Child abuse will experience emotions then someone who had strong support systems. It doesn't hind one or give privilege to another. This is where as a society of individuals that we don't get knee-jerk reactions to things or people who make us feel uncomfortable.  A woman raised with only sisters, or a man with only brothers may struggle with the general differences that just a undercurrent of how we interact with others and how we value things. Not evil, bad or wrong. It's a blend of culture,  family culture and how as a individual we evolved growing up. 

Sometimes we have to face difficulties on our own in order to find out what is our own character,  sometimes we may have to not sure our success right away if others may need the focus of the family or community.  It doesn't lessen the value of the success we have. Acknowledgement of our success and overcoming obstacles are helpful to our esteem, but we can not see our successes puts us above others who may have stumbled. It means we have developed the skills to thrive in that area and if done right can inspire others to keep trying. It's then our position to help others and share our knowledge or keep them down and ignore what we could learn be helping others Rise into their own lives.

When people talk about being grateful, they forget often to be grateful to the success they become to help, share and build a strong beautiful and peaceful world even if it may only be in their home at the time. 

Stillness and Silence can be almost a loud noise for those uncomfortable or unfamiliar with that surrounding.  Some can find inner stillness through Dance, Farming, Do projects, or what is in with the rhythm of their own soul. So it would be amazing if each of us could stop on judgements of another and become an advocate for them to heal, recover and rebuild towards something that makes them see the worth they have just as a individual. 

We can try to be an Angel and represent our truth,  and become leaders by staying true without oppression of others. If we just react, we can become our own worst Demon and bring out the damage and darkness in ourselves and project onto those to find others at fault of how we evolved as a individual.  For those who are just being like a child and looking at exploring different cultures,  religions, lifestyle or even trying to decide the person that want to be in the world doesn't mean they are being any less valuable to the world then those who are in school to learning a degree to work, or a musician choosing to learn a secondary instrument,  or a parent trying to find the solutions to chase away Night fears of a young child... we are evolving no make by which experiences we choose to assist us with that process.  Each of us is on our own journey and each of us spend most of our lives to figure it all out. 

Song of the day is: Catch Me if I Fall by Boondox

"A demon gets discovered and Angel has to suffer" 

Transparent Vapors

 I been told by many not to be so public about my past and the experiences both contested and uncontested in my life.

It's true I probably have had more negative then positive feedback from people because of my past and my choices on how to handle it. Went from not saying a word and keeping vague about everything for the first 25 years of my life. Then started being a bit more open with others who been recovering from similar experiences.  How often it made too many people try to 'save me' or teach me a different way. 

But it's not my secret. It's others but they placed me in it and I am not here to be the sacred ground of secrets and sins. I respect those who choose not to be there or struggled to change into a life different then what we shared. Those stories belong to them and I will not turn on them but the offenders, those who turned to look away, and the reaction and actions of society and communities is not mine to protect. My own soul and mind is mine to heal, strengthen and condition to be the place that I can be safe and secure in. 

Many who shared some of the darkest moments with understand when the words fail, the heart hardens and the masks get put up and can see beyond that. When we got to the place we no longer recognize the person in the mirror. 

Trust especially with blood or love, becomes increasing difficult and often seen as a set up to get us vulnerable to only strip us down and leave us a bloody tattered shell of a person. Trying to survive is not about trust or love. It's about living with being seen we are walking with a demon in heart and sleeping with the devil. Never truly safe and never able to believe people can or will Stay when they catches of fracture of the illusion and see who and what we were. 

In the end so most of us turn against ourselves and no matter how much we try to speak or express ourselves, no one will look beyond the paradox of emotion and faith, struggling to find words for acts and wounds that's are inhumane and should have no place on our planet much less in lives of children or families.

Holding a victim of abuse is not about saving us or telling us to get over it. It's about letting our words, tears and the efforts to put those wall down have a value. A value that's not short of the rarity of the first kiss if a new born, or the magical moment when you the eye of the storm and calmness finally fills you completely.  

Our pasts are not all roses, some may have had a good family, but not given the freedom to find themselves. Some may have been raised by a single parent but learned to silence their own fears and worries. Some may have been the star at school but never feel connected beyond the surface, some may have money and no worries but be so busy that they become unfamiliar to the blessing of solitude and the stillness life can offer. People all have challenges and who, when and how they share it should be as cared for and respected. 

Today's rambled thoughts. 

Soundtrack 2022

For 1st of January 2022

Welcome to the End by Celldweller

I think in too many ways this song is kind of fitting. Trying end both toxic relationships and cycles in my life as part of the new year. Also this band was one that both Ryker and I shared a common like for and its been a very difficult 5 months without his support and care to help me from being a self destruction for the good things and relationships in my life. 

New year 2022

 It's the start of a new year and for me, I am making a few changes. For starters as many of my readers has been asked to join me here and me leaving, for now, my live journal. It's amazing how long over 15 years was that the home for all my scribbles. However there are many personal reasons for the change but for starters I just rather have a new place that's not as tied to so many years of the past. I will keep it and from time to time check in and give updates if I find time and energy. 

The difference here is I am going to limit it people over 18 due to some of the posting will be for those of adults who can are able to handle the content. There will be hash tag and trigger warnings on such postings. 

I been slow on journaling myself for the last few years and with being so very busy, however, this time I know I need to make a bit more of a point to at least do some updates and scribbles to get a bit of randomness out of my head. 

So I want to thank you for reading this far and for joining me at this account. ❤️❤️❤️