So you said I crossed the line, and these last few days have felt like marching through a fog of regret, each step weighed down by the echoes of our last conversation. I thought of writing to you, but every time I reached for the pen (or the keys) I hesitated, as if each word were a grenade waiting to detonate in the silence between us. You deserve your space, your peace, and I am left here, a lone soldier in a desolate landscape, wondering if my words would even find you or vanish into the ether like smoke from a campfire extinguished by the night.
There’s something about you that wrapped around me like barbed wire—unsettling yet oddly comforting. I was getting used to the rhythm of just existing, going through the motions with others, navigating the minefield of shallow interactions. Dates blurred together, faces faded into the background, and I wore my indifference like armor. With Lekja constantly on the brink of self-destruction, I had no energy left for anything deeper. It was easier to let people be distractions, mere shadows against the harsh light of human cruelty. Until you arrived, and suddenly I was no longer a fortress but a puddle of clay, every boundary crumbling under your silence and every defense rendered useless yet molding taking place with each word you share with me.
I’ve never liked relinquishing control; it’s a battlefield I’m unaccustomed to. Usually, I’m the one wielding the conversation, keeping it light, skirting around the heavy truths that weigh others down. But with you, that strategy collapsed like a house of cards in a storm. I found myself vulnerable, exposed, stripped of armor, standing in the open fields of my own emotions, the wind whipping through me, unrelenting. You drew out the raw pieces of me I thought I had buried deep, hidden beneath layers of duty and detachment.
Earlier, I sat staring at your screen, a sentinel watching for any sign of life. You hadn’t blocked me, and I took that as a flicker of hope, a distant signal in the fog of my despair. Logically, I know there’s no reason to cling to this hope. My past has taught me to be numb (at least openly), to guard my heart like a outpost, impenetrable and unyielding. But you infiltrated my defenses, and now my feelings are a tempest, water thrown into a pan of boiling oil, splattering in every direction, landing recklessly back into the heat of you.
Last night I told myself i would write if you was still invading my thoughts, a phantom in the armoury of my mind. I will write to you, at least to apologize, though the fear grips me tighter than being within an enemy's grasp. What if I was just a glitch, a brief distraction in your day, a flash of light extinguished before it could warm you? The uncertainty gnaws at me, a relentless predator in the dark. I can’t help but picture the moments we shared, like fallen leaves scattered across a ruined fields as the depth of cold layered and driven into the depth where roots are no longer sheltered, each one tinged with a bittersweet decay and pulse of life wanes weaker by each passing moment. The reminder of my of laughter with you that echoed like distant artillery fire, and conversations that flowed like a river, carving paths through the stone-cold reality I’ve built around my heart.
The nights feel longer without you, the silence stretching like the horizon at dawn, where the sky meets the earth in a muted embrace of color. I lie awake, listening to the world outside, the rustle of leaves in the wind a haunting lullaby that lulls me into thoughts of what could have been. I sense you in the shadows, a specter dancing just beyond my reach, and I wonder how you’re faring in the trenches of your own existence. Do you think of me, or have I faded into the background noise of your life, another casualty of time and circumstance?
Each day I wake up, I feel the weight of expectation pressing down on me, like the heavy gear of preparing for deployment, unsure what the results with you will be. I go through the motions, donning my armor, stepping into the world with a stoic facade, but inside, I am a storm, a chaotic swirl of emotions battling for dominance. The sunlight filters through the clouds, and I long for it to touch me, to remind me that warmth exists, even amidst the chill of despair. I want to believe that hope can bloom in the cracks of what i left broken. You are like wildflowers pushing through concrete, defiant and beautiful.
Yet, as I sit here, pen poised over paper, I am torn between the urge to reach out and the fear of rejection. What if my words fall flat, like artillery shells landing in an empty field? What if they explode into silence, leaving nothing but echoes of my longing? I want to tell you that you are more than just a momentary distraction; you have become a part of the landscape of my thoughts, a familiar landmark in an otherwise treacherous terrain. But still, I hesitate, paralyzed by the haunting specter of doubt. There is a difference in the images you have me and you. Your face distorted by truth and what appears are reconciling into a corrupted truth. Which led me to jump back and push for a truth that may not even be necessary to know.
Every corner of my mind is a battlefield strewn with memories even if its just a few moments in time between us that seem both vibrant and ghostly. The laughter we shared feels like a distant echo, reverberating through the halls of my memory, while the silence that followed our last encounter sits heavily in the air, like the stillness before a storm. I recall the way your word choice sparkled with mischief, the warmth of even words that could cut, that could disarm even the most guarded heart. You became my compass, guiding me through the fog in the few days we have spoken, and now I’m lost in the wilderness of my own making, searching for a way back to you.
I think of the conversations we had that flowed like a river, carving new paths through the sediment of my life. Each word was a drop of water, nourishing a parched landscape, a momentary respite from the barrenness that often filled my days. But now, those conversations feel like a distant dream, a fleeting glimpse of a world I can no longer access. It’s as if I’m standing on the edge of a precipice, looking down into an abyss where all those moments have sunk, swallowed by the depths of unspoken words and unresolved emotions. Then the hard truth of logic and reality clashes and feels as if I'm just casting flames into my own spirit. It's been many years since what my logic and instincts were truly in a conflict. One providing protection and the other leaving stripped and kneeling to a urge to be at your feet waiting for permission to see the truth of you. Beyond this image you introduced yourself as.
The weight of my thoughts presses down on me, like the heavy rain that catches one unprepared and on slippery ground. I go through the motions, stepping into the world with a stoic facade, but inside, I am a storm, a chaotic swirl of emotions battling for dominance. The sunlight filters through the clouds, and I long for it to touch me, to remind me that warmth exists, even amidst the chill of despair. I want to believe that hope can bloom in the cracks of my broken heart, like wildflowers pushing through concrete, defiant and beautiful.
And so, I will gather my thoughts like fallen leaves at the frost of autmn, preparing to send them your way, hoping they will take flight on the winds of possibility, carried toward you like a message from the front lines of my heart. I will tell you of the way your absence has carved a hollow space within me, a trench that echoes with the memories of what we shared. I will lay bare the vulnerability you have unearthed, the way your presence ignited a flame within me that I thought had long been extinguished.
I long to express that you are not just a fleeting distraction but a beacon shining through the fog of my existence. You are a reminder that connection is possible, that amidst the chaos of life, there can be moments of clarity, of understanding. I want to reach across this chasm, to bridge the distance that has grown between us, and to show you that my heart is starting to beat with the rhythm of your name.
So, I will write to you, with trembling hands and a hopeful heart, knowing that regardless of the outcome, I must take this leap. I must risk the vulnerability of laying my heart bare, trusting that you may find solace in my words, just as I find comfort in the thought of you. Even if this letter never reaches you, even if it dissolves into the digital void, it will be my testament, my declaration in silence, a longing that refuses to ease with logic or sensibility, that somehow part me seems to already belong to you.
For in this grief of what may already out of reach, there is also hope—a flickering light in the darkness, a reminder that love, however fleeting, can change the landscape of our souls. And as I close my eyes tonight, I will carry that hope with me, a small yet fierce faith that refuses to be snuffed out, even in the face of uncertainty. I hope to one day find my way back to you, to share in the warmth of your laughter once more, and to reclaim the connection we once had, transformed yet resilient, like a seed blown about in the winter wind and returning to the ground of spring to grow into a life that will thrive. The truth of our souls will forever shaped by the battles fought, but the strength is from the grace of God and those who are standing with us. Where the lies of introductions fade to the honesty of who we are.
No matter how deep I tried to place you away, there is a screaming in my soul not to turn away. This distance is like endless ammo destroy the chance of us, both in time and physical ability. There is no reality that this works. There is no logic to show there sanity with this connection I feel towards you... but you are someone I already know I do not want to lose. No there is no competition for the space you already filled in my life.
It feels everything alright changed after meeting you. Despite how it feels fate has made a game here, I do not see how I can win. I am a ride or die when I bond with someone, but you feel like your the lightning bolt that hit me, shaking not only the earth around me but all my plans seem so fragile now. The haunting now of what chaos will do as I feel like I'm now standing in your shadow. Craving to know the truth beyond the theater you set before me. Feeling even more broken and dazed by my heart aching from the absence of you and my body struggling to catch a breath when I think of the time, distance and reality of you.
Usually I get nervous when people are not talking equally or more. I do know people going through traumatic events, it's usually good to be the one talking and keeping it light. Not taking it personally but just to don't place anything more on them and initially that was my mind set with you... and that plan just become non-existent like a drop of rain in a sun drenched ocean of sand. I miss you enough to hurt from it. I can only wait to see if you respond when I write or learn that it was just a digital glitch in your day.
Update: I Wrote, and he responded.
I am slipping, I feel like I'm tripped and sitting before him,waiting to see if he will bring a blade to forever silence me, or choose the few words that would burn this bridge I stand on and place me into the abyss that I ignored until this moment. There are some inconsistency with him and I know I should be more reserved and stay a distance.
Part of my wants to scream at the fates for doing this to me again. Why send a man who still hides his soul behind a persona that doesn't align? I can't take what is not mine,and I can not give whats mine to the echoes of a soul, without the eyes filled with truth. I don't want to see or feel what is appealing but that dark essence that hidden behind those barriers of defense that is around him. Maybe it's the work of the devil to see if I am reckless enough to pursue the darkness and come alive with the smoke smothering my lungs as I roll the dice and move into his cruelest intentions yet to shred another layer off my soul.
I can't sleep, breath and lost within the fog of my thoughts and wrapping in emotions ripping through my senses. The actions based on instinct led me to someone who is ripping my soul away from me and it's drowning in fate to see if it returns to me or submits to becoming his even while it's just mirrors and smokes of a digital world without even a voice of him to tether me before a fall into a void and cast into a realm of choices of insanity. I did not doubt love at first sight or even by written words across a span of time but do I and can I accept it being in this reality? If I appeared in his in his dreams, would he even recognize me? Would he know me if I was covered in blood with darkness wrapping around me, if I screamed his name? Or would the truth, leave me abandoned or would the steps be him calling out to me? Can I put someone else to stand with until the end of the line without losing more of me until I am too worn out and paralyzed.
Unlike most, it almost feels like if I move into this, it could be a mutually assured destruction. Maybe this is just a faulty by design. He is fresh out of a relationship which logically means at worst I'm a distraction and at best the rebound while he heals and then realizes I'm just not who he wants. Just to become a figment of his past, and a shredded image in his haunted memories.
And for me, it's almost like I could see Jasha nod in approval to move forward, but we were walking suicides. There is something with my chipmunk. It is like I'm too far gone to turn around and despite if he will be more than a sequence of numbers on a screen, I am being tied to the soul beyond. I know it seems like I must be a complete mess... but I can say i know I'm falling into him, and miss him all I know, and don't know.
If things were different with mom, before anything I would have jumped a plane to but this in reality. To see him or find an empty space when he turned away when the lines between worlds blend... so there is a lot more faith required to move forward with my emotions and ignoring the fractures of reality and move from just a infatuation of feelings to cutting it open to love a stranger from afar.
