I was my father's shadow from as young I can remember. He had a pretty pleasing personality For people. Many women talked about how he was attractive, tall, brown hair and ice blue eyes. All I saw was my dad and a wounded man. He wanted to do so much more for the family and his own life until a serious spinal injury he received in 1977. Just right after I was conceived. It was a scary process, I am sure. My mother went to work in a library while he was off work... any-woo, not rewinding that much. I remember always being at my father side when he was home. He wanted to push himself and I learned methods to get him to back off. As the years went by we had lived in a fairly small community. He wouldn't do much heavy work but he was hired by the Fire Department to be the driver for the tanker, crowd control (rarely needed), and dealing with family and he worked as a safety lecturer and did inspections at local industry before the official state or Osha rep would come through. No where could I go that someone did not recognize Charles' daughter. I had grown more accustom of introducing myself as his daughter then by my name. We knew all the law enforcement in the area, and often many of the surrounding first respondents.
Well it was very common for people to be at our house to just drop by. This is when my trusting of the journey of my life went sideways. Mc came by and my father was outside in his work area (usually for outside prep of stuff like cutting long wood, etc before going into the workshop) and I was out with my goats. We had a few new younger ones so I playing with them. I could tell that soon the pleasantries of the visit grew serious. I slowed down my play to watch the body language with my father's face. His neck was getting stiff, his brows were getting lifted and i could tell the tension in his jawline increase. I approached slowly and softly and was about to get the gist of the conversation. It was about a debt that my father had occurred while getting additional Oxycodone pills to try to maintain the level of active life. I approached and my father cleared his throat and motioned to me. Mc, cut off what he was saying. "Oh there's the Shadow" and he smiled and held his hand out for me shake. I shook and remember welcoming and my father trying to get me to go off but I had already done the chores. so needless it turned into refilling his water and getting MC some coffee. I remember Mic always liked 1 teaspoon of heavy cream. I knew him. He was around a lot, I enjoyed conversations. We didn't live around real family so in many ways he was like an uncle. His father had some criminal connections but really not much else and he been married 4 times. He had a fairly young wife who had given him a son before her struggle with cancer. His youngest half-brother was a friend to my best friend's brother but not too much interactions.
After I get back I could see a lot of stress in my father. MC took a sip of the coffee and said he needed to be offer. I offered to walk with him to his car so he could finish his coffee. This was not uncommon for me to do with visitors who had not come in and we had a fairly long drive, about an acre from the work area and 3 gates. So as we started to walk away, I saw my father sitting on his stool at the workbench and looked almost ill. I really felt like I needed to help out so before thinking too much, I asked MC if there was anything I could do to pay off my fathers debt. He chuckled. Asked about a piggy bank. I got us through the first gate and saw my father was going back to working on his project. I just step a few steps a ahead of Mic, but mentioned that he might need some extra help with his grandmother coming to visit. She was not in the best of health. We got to the second gate. I climbed up to pull the rope over, and he was only inches from me. His breath in my face and he placed a hand on my arm and looked into my eyes. I remember him barely whispering "You do not know what it will take to pay back that debt. It was not pennies" and I nodded and I had heard over conversations of women's commodities. I took a breath and just told him, I can do it. I can take on the debt, if it goes away. He pulled back and chuckled. My father had noticed us stopped and was approaching as I hopped back on the ground. "Any problems?" My dad spoke loudly with his normal jolly good voice. Mic told him of my offer to help with his grandmother to ease to debt. My father looked at me and told me how it was his responsibility and I did not need to do it. I can not recall the discussion but I remember he saw no fault for me seeing a win/win with helping out the grandmother and Mic not having to hire someone to help with housework. It was agreed upon tomorrow (Saturday) I would make my way over there and he would lay out the duties for me, since he had to travel the following week. It was agreed on and he left. My fathered Thanked me and asked me not to tell my mother since he needed to let her know how things are and his error in judgment. So I nodded and returned the cup to the kitchen and went about my day.
Saturday morning, I was very nervous and wanted to back out. I had not slept well at all and was the first person awake so I went ahead and gave up on sleep. Got to do my morning chores, and could not stand the idea of food. I grabbed my jacket and I left to walk to Mcs house. It was only 2 miles cutting through the side yards but I went down to the main road, making just above 3 miles but no snow on the ground. I was walking and a few cars had passed, most I recognized and waved, some I did not but waved anyways. I took a lot longer on the walk then I planned. I stopped a few times and pulled myself off the road and cried. By now fear was creeping and I was realizing that I really did not know how this works. It was one thing to overhear conversations about this... I wished I could just freeze to death. I could not back out, it would look bad and not help anyone out.
I got to Mics house and he had company over. Without batting an eye. "Charles' girl. She's going to help me prepare for Grandmother." The guy I did not fully know but I had seen him from time to time in Santa Fe when my dad had to going up there for work. I smiled and nodded and excused myself going to the kitchen. This was my usual place to hang out when stuck at Mic's place. It was cozy and I had loved that room until that day. I got some water and cleaned the dished in the sink. I was struggling back tears and trying not to shake. I think this was the first time I was understanding the idea of Panic.
A bit later, he came in and apologized for taking so long. He refilled his coffee cup and sat down across from me at the table. We chatted a bit about every day things. I knew he must have seen my fear and nervous side. He took my hands a few times. He said he would like me to take a shower first using the shower in his bedroom. He asked if I could do that. I nodded. I was to wrap myself in a towel and go to his bed.
***This part is a bit explicit, if uncomfortable scroll through***
I did as he was instructed. He had changed his bedding from the blues to a white blanket and a pillow was in the center. He was in a robe when he entered. He came closer and knelled at the edge of the bed and wanted me to move to the edge. He spread my legs and lifted the towel. He rubbed around the area of my vagina and I felt ill but tried to not think about it. As I suddenly felt him insert a finger. He said he was confirming I was a virgin. I was 10 years old. I saw not logic at that time for him to doubt it. I know I did not feel right with him there. He withdrew and looked at me and my eyes had filled with tears. I knew what I was doing was for my family but I also knew it was a sin and I might have been saying goodbye to ever being able to be a decent wife to anyone in the future and that drove icy terror through me. Mic wiped the tears. tried to comfort me a bit and then had me sit on the pillow in the middle and the continued now fingering me. Some time later he grab the towel that still covered my torso. He used it to wipe his hands and all around my vagina. He got pretty rough when it was fully dry down there. He stood up and took off his robe. I saw my first human male erection and it scared me but I knew nature made bodies fit... but I was not ready and I asked if there was any other way I could do this? He just laughed and gave a light slap on my face. His kind side was fleeting as I could see almost an angry look. He ranted about teasing and trying to leave him in this state. I kept trying to apology. He grabbed my legs and pulled himself close. His penis was at the edge of my vagina. I tried not to cry but it was hopeless. I was sacred and he looked so mean and angry. I was trying to control my breathing. Next thing I knew he put a hand around my throat. He found my nipples and twisted them painfully hard. The more noise I made, the tighter his hand got. I finally was getting dizzy and then he pushed me backwards with my rump lifted by the pillow. I was trying to figure out what was going on and to breath when in one very painful moment he fully penetrated me. I screamed out. I felt like I had been torn in half. He pushed himself up an bit and covered my mouth with his for kisses. I was now done, I wanted him off and started to push him off. I clawed once he jumped off and the hit to the chest knocked me off the bed. He went to the bathroom and as I was trying to get up and catch my breath he grabbed my hands and cut the nails off to the point several had blood drops from being in the quick. I was pleading now to not hurt me and I was sorry but it was too much pain. He lifted me back on to the bed and pinned me down and thrust into me. There was no stillness now and I was crying and trying to muffle my screams. I was wondering if a girl could die from sex. A thought I would sadly find out later could be true in the right methods. By now I could smell his sweat, blood and his aftershave. I was starting to gag. he just covered my mouth and I had to swallow it back. After what felt like forever, he got off and looked at me. He told me how I ruined what should have been a good experience and he did not see how this was worth the debt. I tried to apologize again and explain I didn't know what to do. He said he had an idea and with that he would settle the debt. I had to clean him off. Get all the sperm, blood and biological off of his penis. It too a bit and he finished by a very forceful thrusting into my mouth until I could feel him cum again and tried to gag. He said I better swallow it all or the agreement would be off. I did as much as I could. He the told me to go shower. While in the shower he came in with a large maxi pad and told me to wear it when I got out and dressed. I had to shower very softly. I could feel the torn tissue around my vagina. It almost split to the butthole. I could feel there was a split that was small but it went towards the hood. It was just blood all over the bathtub. I got out and dried off and still saw blood running down my leg so I rinsed off again and dried off as I would in the tub and then read the instructions on the pad and got dressed. I could barely walk. I went out and he was dressed and the bedding was now in large garbage bags and he was finishing dressing the bed once again.
I apologized for not being better prepared. He had returned to a more natural state. He chuckled and told me to go to the kitchen and he would fix us lunch. He has some sandwiches made and offered milk. We ate and he went back talking about the world outside as if nothing really happened. I was still struggling with tears and pain. He gave me a couple of pills and told me they would make the pain go away. I took them and waited but before long I just remember everything fading to black...
I woke up in his guestroom and there was his youngest brother. Trying to work on homework and he looked over when I stirred. He was just whispering and looked as bad as I did. He said they had the doctor there and fixed me up. I just needed to have some sugar and take it easy. I asked what time it was, and it was already after 8. Mic had called my parents and said that I wondered if I could spend the night. He has family passing through and they had a couple of girls my age. So they were not expecting me. JR was there, and he looked like he had been through hell himself. I asked him if he was okay. He did not say much and kept trying to say it was not right what his brother did. There was almost 30 years difference between the two. JR was indeed a much different personality and had always seemed to be a bit of a loner even with the group, but on this night was the first experience I had of him being my lifeline and medic. The next day my world would crash and before I knew this room would end up being a place I called home for almost 7 months.
