A step to late, a moment to soon

 It's easy to think everyone is wanting honest, authentic interactions with other people that they would offer that in return. 

Yet this world,  especially in America there is a society of smoke and mirrors especially in personal relationships and it only increases with shadowy truths and illusions of depths and solidarity that when winds of fate change, disappears as a wisp of smoke from dying faiths and breaking foundations. We all get shaken and build more walls. We use the excuse that people have to earn trust but deny when people want us to. We think that we should not have penalties from histories of others, but our distrust, our doubts and our sight for walls is our punishment to ourselves that makes it a landmine field for those who now enter our lives.

Finding someone who can rebuild trust and faith in relationships isn't easy but with each change in agreements, with each broken word, and with each sleepless nights even the most destined relationship will falter and feelings go numb as disappointment and doubts replace the motivation of hope and faith. For each of us in the end is just a result of the authentication of the life we lived. 

Fog of love and conflict

 It's never easy to have boundaries when most of one's life boundaries was systematically dismantled and foundation was shattered on aspects of preserved survival and fractured psyche of good and bad. 

Trusting and counting on others to be as authentic as i try to be, just tired of a life of lies, secrets or half-truths. Just looking for the simple life of discussion of weather over hot coffee watching the sunrise, or picking fresh greens to a salad to eat during the heat of mid-day with the snore of old dog under the shag of an old cedar tree. Just looking for that life which is valued by the labors of the day and the care towards those around us. 

It seems every day boundaries are tested or broken by good intentions. Both internal and external forces. Through bitterness to empathy or greed to selflessness it blurs lines when the outcome can be positive through negative means, or moments to compassion leads the heartless and immoral foundation for heinous or unjust results. Yet, as a whole we turn away and act as if most events were not planned or preventable. 

When we just stop being a community looking out for even the least liked person or the least desired person in our neighborhood.  Those are the value of our own worth when it's unclaimed, unrecognized or unfamiliar grounds to offer respect, sympathy and resources to those stumbling among their own darkness. We do not need to know what lead one to a bad state to return the bounty of friendship and kindness to each person without idea of rewards or reputation.  

Digging 6 feet down

Trying to be as honest and open in new friendships and acquaintances. Not wanting secrets or lies in any areas of my life. The life lines always been guarded by demons of the past and hunted by the future. 

Some days it feels like there's nothing left of my soul to sell with compromises anymore. It like my past isn't what I'm judged by, I'm grouped into labels and character that I never establish in someone's mind. 

It's much like how us people look at an ant hill. They are just workers. We don't think of the individual journey of life or even the labor they do that day. It's just seen as a part of a collective. It's own experiences and trials to achieve surviving and helping the colony to thrive ignored and we give not a single thought to the individual ant. 

What's the point of being an individual when we are judged and often punished for common traits, often traits of circumstances or DNA, are the only factors people take in for judgement. There is not much choice is trying to create the persona or a new future when cultures, stereotypes and generalized assumptions brand us and set mindsets about who we are in place often before we even enter the scene. 

Someday it feels like whatever we could have been or potential of who we could develop into is already dug in and buried before we can develop even a cognitive reality of consent and choice. Some days we end up digging 6 feet down not to bring back the past, but it is needed to regroup and attain the right to become the creator of own destiny.