Transparent Vapors

 I been told by many not to be so public about my past and the experiences both contested and uncontested in my life.

It's true I probably have had more negative then positive feedback from people because of my past and my choices on how to handle it. Went from not saying a word and keeping vague about everything for the first 25 years of my life. Then started being a bit more open with others who been recovering from similar experiences.  How often it made too many people try to 'save me' or teach me a different way. 

But it's not my secret. It's others but they placed me in it and I am not here to be the sacred ground of secrets and sins. I respect those who choose not to be there or struggled to change into a life different then what we shared. Those stories belong to them and I will not turn on them but the offenders, those who turned to look away, and the reaction and actions of society and communities is not mine to protect. My own soul and mind is mine to heal, strengthen and condition to be the place that I can be safe and secure in. 

Many who shared some of the darkest moments with understand when the words fail, the heart hardens and the masks get put up and can see beyond that. When we got to the place we no longer recognize the person in the mirror. 

Trust especially with blood or love, becomes increasing difficult and often seen as a set up to get us vulnerable to only strip us down and leave us a bloody tattered shell of a person. Trying to survive is not about trust or love. It's about living with being seen we are walking with a demon in heart and sleeping with the devil. Never truly safe and never able to believe people can or will Stay when they catches of fracture of the illusion and see who and what we were. 

In the end so most of us turn against ourselves and no matter how much we try to speak or express ourselves, no one will look beyond the paradox of emotion and faith, struggling to find words for acts and wounds that's are inhumane and should have no place on our planet much less in lives of children or families.

Holding a victim of abuse is not about saving us or telling us to get over it. It's about letting our words, tears and the efforts to put those wall down have a value. A value that's not short of the rarity of the first kiss if a new born, or the magical moment when you the eye of the storm and calmness finally fills you completely.  

Our pasts are not all roses, some may have had a good family, but not given the freedom to find themselves. Some may have been raised by a single parent but learned to silence their own fears and worries. Some may have been the star at school but never feel connected beyond the surface, some may have money and no worries but be so busy that they become unfamiliar to the blessing of solitude and the stillness life can offer. People all have challenges and who, when and how they share it should be as cared for and respected. 

Today's rambled thoughts.