Embers among snow -trigger childloss, pregnancy

 Soon, I will be entering the crone stage as a childless woman has been a profound and transformative experience for me. This, however, does not lessen my joy or darken the brightness of being a mother figure, auntie, or godmother to the little ones who have been with me during my journey. Traditionally, the term "crone" evokes images of wisdom, strength, and a deep connection to the cycles of life. As I’ve embraced this stage that's nearing each day, I’ve found it to be rich with meaning and opportunity, but it hasn’t come without its challenges.

For years, I grappled with the pain of failed pregnancies and stillborn births, which left me with a mix of emotions. The societal pressure and disappointment that accompany being childless can be overwhelming, especially in cultures that place a strong emphasis on motherhood as a key aspect of womanhood. Those experiences of loss were deeply impactful, forcing me to confront my feelings about motherhood and my identity. This also, of course, set hurricane-level actions reactions in my marriages and relationships. 

Eventually, after facing the heart-wrenching decision to reject further pregnancies due to life-threatening complications, I felt a profound sense of grief and relief. I felt guilty for quite a while, deciding i could not go through any more pregnancies emotionally or mentally as well. The decision was not made lightly; it came with the weight of knowing that my health and well-being had to take precedence. This realization brought a mix of emotions—sorrow for the children I would never have and a sense of empowerment in choosing my own path. It was a turning point that allowed me to embrace life beyond the confines of traditional motherhood. It never hindered my ideas even from a young age to foster parenting, but after the divorce and its impact, the situations changed to make that journey still a long-term goal if it can be reached. 

Now, I see this phase of life as a liberation from those expectations. Without the responsibilities of parenting, I have found more time and energy to pursue my passions and be kinder to by body and emotions, deepen my relationships and gaining unforgettable friendship, and engage with my community in meaningful ways. One of the greatest blessings has been my work with families and survivors, where I have been able to support and uplift others while fulfilling some of my own maternal instincts. These connections have enriched my life, as the children of those I work with have become an extended family to me, helping to fill that maternal space in my heart.

This time in my life now is allowing me to explore my creativity and delve into interests that I may have set aside. I've discovered a sense of empowerment in mentoring younger generations, sharing the wisdom I've gained through my experiences, including the lessons learned from my struggles with fertility and the emotional complexities of my choices. It is letting the future steps be designed more organically through the community and resources as they surface. 

Moreover, I’ve found a deep sense of connection to the broader female experience. I’ve cultivated networks of support and understanding, discovering strength in the shared stories of sisterhood. This stage has shifted my focus from traditional roles to embracing my identity as a whole person, rich with experiences and knowledge.

Ultimately, entering the crone stage as a childless woman feels like a celebration of life’s many paths. It invites me to reflect on my personal journey, embrace my unique contributions to the world, and revel in the wisdom that comes from fully accepting my authentic self, even amidst the difficulties I have faced. Through my work and relationships, I’ve found a beautiful tapestry of connection and purpose that continues to nourish my spirit. 

I have no less happiness for those who are mothers and will become mothers. The grief of my own losses is not something I would ever want reflected on the joys and blessings of new children and new memories. Being a parent is still one of the most treasured blessings we can be given. Being in a community to support the parents, young adults, and even children is also in its own way, a unique blessing and addition to the world outside our door.