Wishing well of Nightmares

I don’t know why it matters to me how he feel about me. Normally, this kind of thing rolls off my back like water off a duck. I’ve built up walls over the years to protect myself from the opinions and judgments of others, and that defense mechanism has served me well. It’s almost second nature now to disregard what people think, to maintain a level of emotional distance that keeps me safe, but others unaware of it. But with him, it feels different. There’s something about our interactions that strikes a chord deep within me. I genuinely feel like he a good soul—not just a good person. It might sound foolish, especially since I barely know him, but I can’t shake this instinctive connection. I know I already shared more with him in a few days then many of those who think we are friends. 

People have often told me that following my feelings is my downfall. I can’t deny it; I’ve been led down paths that left me bruised and confused. I remember times when I let myself try to stick with the logical choice and it lead me, only to find myself ensnared in situations that felt more like traps than opportunities. Those moments were painful, often leading to regret and self-doubt. Yet, somehow, that same experiences deepened my own instincts and the trust in them has kept me afloat, especially during those times when I’ve had to navigate life on my own. So many people I was raised to trust have turned their backs on me when I needed them most. I’ve learned to build my own foundation, brick by brick, relying solely on myself. It’s been a lonely journey at times, but it’s also taught me resilience and self-sufficiency. I had plenty of people try to play hero when they learned just a bit of my past or else turn on me deciding I was worthless to them and as person. 

As I’ve grown older, I’ve become more resolute in my belief that I shouldn’t care about what others think or feel about my life. It’s a conversation that’s always been just between me and my God. He’ll decide the outcome when all is said and done. I find comfort in that knowing that my worth isn’t tied to the opinions of others but rather to something deeper and more enduring. It’s liberating to think that I can define my own path, but it also means that I sometimes wrestle with feelings of isolation for not seeking that acceptance that many people around me talk about. 

Yet here I am, feeling something I haven't felt in a long time. Even past relationships didn’t shake me like this. They had their complexities, but I managed to keep my emotions in check at least enough not take it too deep, maintaining a certain distance that felt safe. With him, though, it feels like your words have sunk in too deep, and I can’t quite figure out why. It’s unsettling to realize how much his perceptions have impacted me in such a short time. It makes me question my own judgment and whether I’m perhaps too open, too vulnerable for my own good. Yet, I also had learn to just give enough they feel I'm open but without truly putting the emotions and memories on the table. 

I know our languages and the meanings of words can get lost in translation, especially when viewed through different cultural lenses and electronic translations where tone and body languageis not available to help define if the words are matching. There’s beauty in that, but it can also be frustrating. I understand that, logically, I should be able to brush it off, yet it stings that him seemed to feel I didn’t try or that I didn’t do my best. That hit harder than I expected. It’s a reminder of how deeply I can care, how difficult it can be to be understood, and how easily that desire can be misunderstood. When words are lacking to express the initial emotional responses and when logic is fractured but the essences of his soul beyond the words.

I keep replaying our conversations in my mind, dissecting every word and pause. Did I come across as disinterested? Was there something more I could have done to convey my intentions? I can’t help but feel vulnerable, exposed in a way I haven’t allowed myself to be in years. I’ve worked so hard to protect my own sense of self, and now I find myself letting it crack open a bit because of this connection with a stranger whom logically i know less about than the customer in line at the market with me. The tension between wanting to connect deeper with him and protecting myself is exhausting my logic to let him know I am not here to harm or neglect his feelings or thoughts. 

Maybe it’s the sincerity I feel in him that draws me in. There’s a straightforwardness that feels refreshing in a world often heavy with pretense. I want to understand his words and feelings better, to see what lies beneath the surface. But I’m also apprehensive about how to do it in such a qay he can feel safe and comfortable. It’s daunting to think about the layers we all carry, the histories and stories that shape who we are. What if the more I share, the more I give him the noose to hang me with? It's already matters to me and despite much, I do care about his well-being both in body and spirit and last thing I want to do is give him any reason to not to smile and feel relaxed, I already know he has enough on his mind and heart and that goes beyond the war at hand. 

I’m grappling with so many questions: Why does it matter so much? Why do I care? And what does this mean for me moving forward? I know I need to take a step back and breathe. I don’t want to rush into anything without understanding my own feelings first. It’s a delicate balance—wanting to forge connections while protecting my own heart. But a part of me is eager to explore this connection, to see where it might lead.

In the end, I just hope I can figure it all out before I do anything to hurt him or myself. I want to be honest but often my ability to describe things in a factural and detailed manner seems to be lacking. This uncertain territory with clarity and purpose seems so unusually difficult. Perhaps this experience is a reminder that it’s okay to feel deeply, that vulnerability doesn’t always have to be a weakness. Maybe it’s an opportunity for growth, for learning about myself and or get back to reining in my emotions to prevent unnecessary complications and miscommunications. 

This is a chance to practice patience—both with myself and with evolution of a relationship with another person. I’ve spent so long, trying to meet expectations and fulfill obligations. Maybe I need to embrace the uncertainty, to allow myself to be open to whatever this might bring. I just hope that as I navigate this complex web of feelings, I can find my footing and ultimately come out stronger, more aware of what I truly give that can add value to the investment with someone who has no reason to even bother with me.